Kurt Cobain faced both opportunities and challenges as Nirvana rose to fame so quickly. While he enjoyed reaching a larger audience, he struggled with the idea of selling out and maintaining his independence as a rock musician. Cobain’s introspective struggles reflected in his music, including the song ‘I Hate Myself and I Want To Die’. In this expression of inner turmoil, he may have pushed the boundaries too far.
Before delving into the latter half of Nirvana’s career, what was wrong with their initial success? Despite achieving recognition as one of the biggest groups in the world without compromising their vision, Cobain criticized the success of Nevermind from its release. He believed it sounded closer to a hair metal record.
Cobain cared little about his celebrity as he shared the spotlight with contemporaries like Guns N’ Roses. While he couldn’t stop Nirvana from reaching the top of the charts, his next goal was to create a record. This record would be one that the fairweather friends would despise hearing from them.
In Utero, recorded with noted producer Steve Albini, was one of the most caustic records of the 1990s. There were some melodic touches on songs like ‘Heart-Shaped Box’. However, Cobain wanted everything to sound more raw than before, lashing out at those who put him on a pedestal.
During the session, Kurt Cobain considered various album titles and initially intended to name the record after ‘I Hate Myself and Want To Die’. Part noise experiment, part radio-rock jam, much of the track is typical of the In Utero sessions, with Cobain purposefully sabotaging any hit potential with glaring blasts of noise.
Given his reputation as a depressed loner, Cobain eventually renamed the album and removed the song. He later stated, “It was completely satirical, making fun of ourselves. I thought the title was funny. I’d wanted it to be the album’s title for a long time, but I knew most people wouldn’t get it.”
The phrase would also become a regular part of Cobain’s vocabulary. It served as a cheeky response to anyone who inquired about his current state of affairs. The song would eventually appear on the soundtrack to Beavis and Butthead. However, Cobain’s sarcastic title became tragically literal when he was found dead at home in 1994 from a shotgun wound.
The piece would also serve as inspiration for the next generation of rockstars. Noel Gallagher eventually wrote the Oasis song ‘Live Forever’ to show the brighter side of life in contrast to what Cobain was saying. While ‘I Hate Myself and Want To Die’ may have been intended as a joke, the next few years of Nirvana’s tenure saw Cobain inadvertently taking those words to heart.
